Dear Vagina, Why So Blue?

First, I’d like to start off my apologizing to my vagina.

I have suffered from yeast infections all my life. Every time I have intercourse, I feel slight itching and burning sensations but it usually clears up in 3-7 days on its own. However, occasionally I’ve had to buy over-the-counter creams to clean it up and they worked just fine except for the extreme discomfort while it works its magic.

Last week I went to Planned Parenthood (God bless them). This time I wasn’t there to get a new prescription of birth control, but instead because my vagina was not very happy with me. Sporadically over the last month and a half I’d been suffering from slight itching and burning like a yeast infection, but I knew something was wrong when urinating suddenly felt forced. And the urge to pee was so great that I was barely able to unbuckle my belt before I had to relieve myself. Certain positions in sex were also painful and my insides felt swollen.

Usually I can cure an oncoming yeast infection with cranberry juice so I drank lots of it and also started taking my sisters acidophilus pills, which both seemed to help for a few hours afterward. But my discharge and urine odors were so ghastly a few times that I nearly vomited. Thank you, cranberries. That smell may be worse than asparagus.

So I got a very short pap test done and she felt around inside to make sure certain areas weren’t hurting with pressure. When she swabbed the inside of my cervix to run some tests, she said, “No wonder why your cervix is rioting. You have a lot of discharge going on up in here.” I will not go into detail for everyone’s sake.

Then my doctor said, “Trust me, I have thoroughly enjoyed your company, but let’s make sure we don’t have to see each other again under such circumstances.” (This woman was like a walking Vagina Monologue. I loved her.) Keep in mind that these are tips for women who are super susceptible to yeast infections, but it’s still information that every woman should know:

Steps to taking care of your vagina and keeping her happy:

  • If your panties are damp or you sweat a lot, change into dry panties midday.
  • Take acidophilus pills or eat yogurt once every day to keep regulated.
  • DO NOT use fragrant or sensitive skin soaps like Johnson and Johnson’s baby line. (The doc and I almost had a two-hour conversation about the nasty chemicals in baby products, but we stopped ourselves before we really got into it.) She recommends: Burt’s Bees Baby Bee or Bronner’s baby brands. Both can be found at Target.
  • In the meantime before you switch over to please your vagina, try not to let any fragrant soaps near the Mrs.  or she may get very angry with you.
    • My doctor said that the natural soaps from the Farmer Market or Arbonne still have a lot added to them for fragrance purposes and should be avoided on or near your lady parts, since pH levels should only be of concern on your face.
  • After sex, immediately go to the bathroom (“don’t even make time for cuddling”) andDo not use lubricated condoms because the lube is actually a spermicide, which is the equivalent of soap up in your business.
    • Urinate
    • Wipe yourself down with a washcloth and (sometimes) a little soap (the new, fragrance-free kind that I mentioned above!) to prevent extra moisture.
  • DO NOT DOUCHE! Vaginas are like self-cleaning ovens. They don’t need any extra tools to help them out. They are the tool.
  • If it’s bad enough that you need to buy over-the-counter meds and you don’t want to go to a doctor, use the 7-day cream treatments. The 3-day treatments are OK, but the 1-day treatment is for those who only feel a slight itching. My doctor described the 1-day treatment as a dare, as in: “I dare you to work this time!”
  • At night sleep bottomless. Give her some fresh air! How would you like to be caged up all the time?

NOTE: If there is something super funky going on down there, go see your doctor! Don’t wait for a whole month like I did. Sometimes your vagina just needs a little bit of encouragement in the form of a pill or cream. Also, the above tips are only for ways to prevent a yeast infection before it happens.

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Categories: Healthy Livin', Lady Talk Forum, Sex


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One Comment on “Dear Vagina, Why So Blue?”

  1. kendraalyse
    May 21, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

    Our Vagina sure can be temperamental can’t they. Lol

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